The Runaway Car.

3 Feb

As I drove home today I thought, ‘I have literally nothing to write about for my blog.’ Shortly after that my battery light came on in my car and everything went downhill. Metaphorically of course, it would have been scary if it had been literally. So one after another, everything began to fail. The radio crackled and I switched stations hoping I was just in a bad reception area, then that died. Following this the car lost all its gauges, first the petrol, then the speedometer, then everything. I was driving blind and I knew now that my car was going to die.

Setting the scene some more, I had just dropped someone home after work and was only a few minutes from my home. I was lost with nothing to guide me but my knowledge of driving and hope that my car could make it. With each corner I could feel the car giving up and I got closer road by road. Finally I made it to my road, turning in I let a sigh of relief out, and then she died. The car jerked and threw me forward, and I spent a minute cursing while wondering what there really was to do.

Standing out in my road, only two hundred meters or so from my home, I felt like a marathon runner in his final minutes. The flaw here obviously being marathon runners don’t have cars that weight over a ton, nor are they unfit 23 year old guys like myself.

Back to the story, I’m on the road and I wave down the first person I see driving. A fatherly figure pops out of his car and tries to give me a jump. With each surge to car bursts into life and bluntly dies again. I suddenly realised this must be what it’s like when trying to resuscitate people, except yet again, this was a car and not a person.

Yet again, off topic, but this all seemed important for raising tension. We finally got the car into neutral as it locked itself previously until we gave it a few hits of quick lightning. The car rolled slowly forward and it was going smoothly, but very slowly.

The fatherly figure then went to his car and died a rope between our two cars. We jumped into our vehicles and I was pulled fast towards the end of my journey. As I approached my house I realised my breaks didn’t work and spun my wheel to avoiding smashing his car and quickly applied the hand break leaving my car sprawled across my entire drive way.

I thanked the man and then called for some more professional help. After the exchanging of monies and a man turning up to tell me what was wrong, they took my car away to the mechanics.

So while I have something to be posted on my blog now, I also imagine a large bill will be coming my way very soon.

Dating sites are really weird.

13 Jan

To start with, dating isn’t easy, but since the invention of the internet, we’ve had internet dating. Now that this should be taken without a pinch of salt, or actually, quite a lot of salt. Most of these sites are either collections of clicking yes or no on people to whether you find them attractive or not. Think that thing Mark Zuckerberg made in The Social Network before Facebook.  These are your basic sex hook up applications and sites that hide under the guise of allowing you to know the person once you’ve decided if their looks are more important than any level of intellectual worth.

Following from this, some websites have questions. The best of these go from anything from deep questions, about sex, love and animal preference to the more obscure. While you’re being asked if you prefer coffee or tea, you might also be asked about fetishes and occasionally a question on what a quotation from Romeo and Juliet means. That wasn’t an exaggeration by the way, that actually happened on one.  

The horrifying questions are normally set up like this, “Would you be happy if your partner hated a race different to your own.” More worryingly is that you can check peoples profiles to the answer of this question and most people would allow for lifelong bliss with a racist. Nothing says love like white supremacy, or so I’m told.

I’m sure most people’s connections with dating sites is very limited and wouldn’t get to enjoy the terrifying nuances that come with a dating profile, so perhaps these things seem rare and unlikely. We all see the adverts on the TV and notice how stunning, yet neurotic they all are. We also often decide that we aren’t those type of people, we are all three dimensional people who can’t be contained on a webpage, and honestly this shows. Most dating profiles other than the preference on if you’re a racist, homophobe or sexist is a mess of peoples panic as they’re asked to explain themselves.

Most of the time it falls down to being fun or quirky, and everyone is nice. Not that this takes away from people, but this is where the ton of salt should be taken. It’s hard to discover who a person really is online, but even more daunting is that we’ve given it a go and it seems we’re all psychopaths and creepers.

The final part of my thoughts on dating websites is the actual dating or contacting people part. Messaging a complete random stranger is yet again another babble-fest where you might as well be screaming “Love Me!” at the screen until someone eventually agrees and you go out. It’s all mostly small talk and you rarely hit it off with anyone. Also from reading enough of the ladies profiles, I imagine most are jaded by the constant ask for nudes, sex or general dirty talk. This makes it somewhat hard to be genuinely nice when the contract of having a dating profile as a male seems to be that you are instantly a creep.

Anyway, these were just some of my thoughts on the whole process. I think I might just want to keep my dating to face to face stuff now, or maybe just remove the human aspect and chat with a bot instead. 

Being a pirate is hard.

27 Dec

If I have learned anything from playing Assassins Creed for the last three days, it’s that I suck at being a pirate.

To start with, you really lose the moral of your crew when commandeering a ship, in the process throwing yourself over the enemy ship, into the freezing sea below over and over again, all the while your crew are being massacred by the enemy.

Of course this isn’t the first flaw of my pirating crusades. I have spent a large amount of time not being a pirate at all, except out of necessity. For the most part I’ve been sailing around, listening to my crew sing shanties and all in all, it feels like I’ve gone away to camp for the weekend. Alas, these lovely times can’t last though, and as I pay less attention and watch the horizon, I suddenly realise I’m surrounded by the English and Spanish navy.

This is where the first paragraph comes into play. I fight out of necessity, and often find myself in the water, or climbing over the parts of the ship that are on fire. Some missions even require you to climb the riggings and take out snipers. Now this should be the master craft for any assassin, well it turns out, my guy gets super bad sea legs when he’s up high. Now I’m not saying I fall off the riggings to my death all the time, but I’d argue my odds are stacked towards the falling face first into the floor more often than not.

(Side note: You could have the chance of falling into the water from the riggings, this never happens for me, it’s pretty much stay on the riggings or kiss the ship; hard.)

The next part of being a pirate is obviously the booty, or treasure for those of you who aren’t into your pirate terminology. Yet again, I could probably have gained more treasure if it hadn’t been for my ill equipped ship, which for the most part was full of sugar, songs and rum. Every chance of finding treasure was met with some sort of navel battle, which I either escaped, survived by the skin of my teeth or died a horrible watery death in.

All in all, Assassins Creed Black Flag is a pretty neat game, but I think I’m much more of a land lover, even in video games. Also who knew being a pirate was so hard, at one time a giant wave crashed over my ship and killed four members of my crew. Now these guys are hardened sailors who  got killed by a wave, and I can only think that somehow this was my fault because I was more focused on watching the whales jumping majestically through the air, and less concentrated on manning the ship.

Final Note: Another failing of navel battles was when I started to win, and then forgot to watch where I was going and crashed straight into a cliff.

.

21 Nov

“You like me, don’t you?”

“Well yes, but I like everyone who shows me attention. I have low self esteem.”

“Wow. Thanks.”

“Not to say that you aren’t very pretty, but seriously, once some girl said ‘thanks’ to me and smiled. I spent the next two days marrying her inside my head. I imagined her name was Katherine.”

Business is slow for days

13 Nov

Business is slow for days
“Poetry is a craze!”
Who says?
“It’s just a phase?”
I thought a maze
words that force a daze
But business is slow for days

Weeds

22 Oct

I had my own jealous ambitions.
They sprouted like the roots of weeds.
Powerful and overcoming against the softer plants.
I sapped the life from the beautiful roses
I took the rich from the Earth
yet made many poor.
This growth towards light
only noticing I did so alone.

Snow White

13 Oct

That pale tender,
marked by the fire.
Skin soft to render,
tastes of desire.

ruby red lips,
the frosted chalice.
Poisonous sips,
nothing but malice.

woke by the apple,
after hundreds of years
societal grapple,
blind behind tears.

Now all alone in your fears.
Sleeping like you, long gone your peers. 

Writers note: I think I’m going to start posting my poetry on WordPress as I get no feedback off my Tumblr poetry blog. Would be super cool if anyone who reads this could tell me if they like it or not. Would love comments, even with criticism. 

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