Journalist’s disappointed at not getting arrested in foreign countries.

27 Jun
Journalist outcry as they are kept safe and boring.

Journalist outcry as they are kept safe and boring.


The Union of Foreign Correspondents this week have submitted a complaint to World News Australia on behalf of their journalists based in the Western world. London foreign correspondents report that their journalistic integrity has been worn down to 24/7 Royals coverage. The UFC demands a reshuffle for fluff piece journalism, with journalists to be flown straight to Iraq, Egypt and Afghanistan to get a real taste of the action. Jeremy Snide of World News Australia had this to say;


“All I want is to be in a news situation where someone will shoot at me, or I might get arrested for opposing the fascist government, is that so much to ask for?”

Snide went on to say that he’d even jeered at the Queen in passing to try and get incarcerated, but all he received was a caution from local police. “If this was Egypt, they would have locked me up, maybe even sentenced me to death.”

These sentiments arose from the recent incarceration of Peter Greste in Egypt. Some journalists claiming, “What a lucky bastard, I bet he wins some awards once he gets out.”

The Amazing Spiderman – A cautionary tale on bullying.

12 May

The second Amazing Spiderman movie is pretty much a glorified anti-bullying campaign. To start with this is going to be amazingly spoiler filled, so stop reading now, if that bothers you.
Okay now it’s just us who have seen the movie or don’t care. The first case of bullying comes when Richard Parker decides he doesn’t want to build terrible biological weapons for his evil boss. Unfortunately in this universe, you can’t just leave your job, you have to run away from your life and eventually be hunted down and murdered, because a job is for life, and not just for Christmas it would seem.

So Richard Parker is dead leaving Spiderman fatherless. I mean Peter Parker. Now Peter gets bullied by Flash Thompson in his school years. Peter doesn’t even stand up to Flash until he has super powers. It’s not enough for him to be brave, he has to know he can absolutely destroy him. This only sets unrealistic standards for school kids these days. Like really, where am I going to get a batch of venomous magic spider venom that won’t instantly kill me.   

Now onto how the whole movie revolved around the bullied turning into bullies. The main villain of Spiderman 2, Electro, started off as some awkward engineer at Oscorp. No one even recognised him, and he really cherished Spiderman saving his life. Even after the accident where he becomes an electric god, he is still mostly worried that he’ll hurt people. In the first encounter with him and Spiderman, he almost gets talked down too. Then the police shoot him and all hell breaks loose, because why even bother assessing a threat from a person who shoots lightning from his body, surely a bullet will solve this right away.  

Following Electro’s fall from grace, we have Harry Osborn. His dad just died, and his whole board of directors hate him. Sure he pushes their buttons, but the kid is dying from some sort of super illness. He’s also 20, and his good looks fade away as his skin starts to burn away in front of him. He seems nice enough though, he has fun with his childhood friend Peter Parker throwing stones across the water, all the while, his evil board of directors plan to overthrow him.

Now when this move comes, it happens just as Harry finds out his cure to dying is actually owned by his company. These director bully types are definitely not keen on letting this 20 year old live though. Sure they’ve removed him from the company, but it’s definitely the typical bully to take every single thing from the victim. Just die in the gutter I suppose Harry, better luck next time. Then guess what happens, he comes back with the other super bullied villain and kills everyone. Followed by becoming the Green Goblin once he gets the stuff he asked for so nicely beforehand. So far, we have a whole bunch of people bitter at their bullies and turned into super bad guys from it.

All in all, the whole Spiderman films just feel like a super positive anti bullying campaign. Stop bullying, you never know when that weedy kid from Science class will become the next unstoppable god that destroys your city. 

Wine Theory

4 May

When it comes to buying wine, I have a system. Now when someone says they have a system, you expect them to be a card counter, who wins big at the casino. This obviously isn’t that. My system is a lot more unhelpful when it comes to making your life better, but it might save you a few dollars. I probably should have mentioned earlier, that this system is for amazing, cheap wine.

The first move is to go to your local alcohol emporium. There you should be able to skim straight past the expensive wines, and the wines from all the well known wineries. We aren’t looking for some fancy label with the best calligraphy in the world. No sir! Today we are looking for something to take a chance on. A goofy, risky venture is what I take each time I go to my boozery. I search the shelves for illustrated bottles. These bottles generally have deals to start with, and this time I find a bottle with paper cranes and it’s two for $12. Obviously paper cranes aren’t the key here, most of the time it’s just a strange illustration, or a wine with a name so grandiose that people would never even believe it could be good.

Going up to the counter, knowing you’ve already won big. It’s basically the same rush as cashing out. Some may get nervous at this point though, worry they’ve misread the price on such a sweet wine, they might act the same way a kid with a fake ID would, so the key is confidence. If you do it right the cashier smiles are you, doesn’t even ask for ID, because they know you’re a hustler. You’ll hand over your coin and leave with your prize.

This system does have a large flaw to it, and the same as my gambling habit on the roulette table, it only works when you place your faith in red. White wine seems to be a mystery I’ve yet to crack. With this in mind, and with all the stages but the last finished, you have to taste the wine. The only thing I demand of you is this. If wine theory works for you, share the myth, explore your findings, maybe even do an academic study on the piece. I look forward to being a footnote.

The Runaway Car.

3 Feb

As I drove home today I thought, ‘I have literally nothing to write about for my blog.’ Shortly after that my battery light came on in my car and everything went downhill. Metaphorically of course, it would have been scary if it had been literally. So one after another, everything began to fail. The radio crackled and I switched stations hoping I was just in a bad reception area, then that died. Following this the car lost all its gauges, first the petrol, then the speedometer, then everything. I was driving blind and I knew now that my car was going to die.

Setting the scene some more, I had just dropped someone home after work and was only a few minutes from my home. I was lost with nothing to guide me but my knowledge of driving and hope that my car could make it. With each corner I could feel the car giving up and I got closer road by road. Finally I made it to my road, turning in I let a sigh of relief out, and then she died. The car jerked and threw me forward, and I spent a minute cursing while wondering what there really was to do.

Standing out in my road, only two hundred meters or so from my home, I felt like a marathon runner in his final minutes. The flaw here obviously being marathon runners don’t have cars that weight over a ton, nor are they unfit 23 year old guys like myself.

Back to the story, I’m on the road and I wave down the first person I see driving. A fatherly figure pops out of his car and tries to give me a jump. With each surge to car bursts into life and bluntly dies again. I suddenly realised this must be what it’s like when trying to resuscitate people, except yet again, this was a car and not a person.

Yet again, off topic, but this all seemed important for raising tension. We finally got the car into neutral as it locked itself previously until we gave it a few hits of quick lightning. The car rolled slowly forward and it was going smoothly, but very slowly.

The fatherly figure then went to his car and died a rope between our two cars. We jumped into our vehicles and I was pulled fast towards the end of my journey. As I approached my house I realised my breaks didn’t work and spun my wheel to avoiding smashing his car and quickly applied the hand break leaving my car sprawled across my entire drive way.

I thanked the man and then called for some more professional help. After the exchanging of monies and a man turning up to tell me what was wrong, they took my car away to the mechanics.

So while I have something to be posted on my blog now, I also imagine a large bill will be coming my way very soon.

Dating sites are really weird.

13 Jan

To start with, dating isn’t easy, but since the invention of the internet, we’ve had internet dating. Now that this should be taken without a pinch of salt, or actually, quite a lot of salt. Most of these sites are either collections of clicking yes or no on people to whether you find them attractive or not. Think that thing Mark Zuckerberg made in The Social Network before Facebook.  These are your basic sex hook up applications and sites that hide under the guise of allowing you to know the person once you’ve decided if their looks are more important than any level of intellectual worth.

Following from this, some websites have questions. The best of these go from anything from deep questions, about sex, love and animal preference to the more obscure. While you’re being asked if you prefer coffee or tea, you might also be asked about fetishes and occasionally a question on what a quotation from Romeo and Juliet means. That wasn’t an exaggeration by the way, that actually happened on one.  

The horrifying questions are normally set up like this, “Would you be happy if your partner hated a race different to your own.” More worryingly is that you can check peoples profiles to the answer of this question and most people would allow for lifelong bliss with a racist. Nothing says love like white supremacy, or so I’m told.

I’m sure most people’s connections with dating sites is very limited and wouldn’t get to enjoy the terrifying nuances that come with a dating profile, so perhaps these things seem rare and unlikely. We all see the adverts on the TV and notice how stunning, yet neurotic they all are. We also often decide that we aren’t those type of people, we are all three dimensional people who can’t be contained on a webpage, and honestly this shows. Most dating profiles other than the preference on if you’re a racist, homophobe or sexist is a mess of peoples panic as they’re asked to explain themselves.

Most of the time it falls down to being fun or quirky, and everyone is nice. Not that this takes away from people, but this is where the ton of salt should be taken. It’s hard to discover who a person really is online, but even more daunting is that we’ve given it a go and it seems we’re all psychopaths and creepers.

The final part of my thoughts on dating websites is the actual dating or contacting people part. Messaging a complete random stranger is yet again another babble-fest where you might as well be screaming “Love Me!” at the screen until someone eventually agrees and you go out. It’s all mostly small talk and you rarely hit it off with anyone. Also from reading enough of the ladies profiles, I imagine most are jaded by the constant ask for nudes, sex or general dirty talk. This makes it somewhat hard to be genuinely nice when the contract of having a dating profile as a male seems to be that you are instantly a creep.

Anyway, these were just some of my thoughts on the whole process. I think I might just want to keep my dating to face to face stuff now, or maybe just remove the human aspect and chat with a bot instead. 

Being a pirate is hard.

27 Dec

If I have learned anything from playing Assassins Creed for the last three days, it’s that I suck at being a pirate.

To start with, you really lose the moral of your crew when commandeering a ship, in the process throwing yourself over the enemy ship, into the freezing sea below over and over again, all the while your crew are being massacred by the enemy.

Of course this isn’t the first flaw of my pirating crusades. I have spent a large amount of time not being a pirate at all, except out of necessity. For the most part I’ve been sailing around, listening to my crew sing shanties and all in all, it feels like I’ve gone away to camp for the weekend. Alas, these lovely times can’t last though, and as I pay less attention and watch the horizon, I suddenly realise I’m surrounded by the English and Spanish navy.

This is where the first paragraph comes into play. I fight out of necessity, and often find myself in the water, or climbing over the parts of the ship that are on fire. Some missions even require you to climb the riggings and take out snipers. Now this should be the master craft for any assassin, well it turns out, my guy gets super bad sea legs when he’s up high. Now I’m not saying I fall off the riggings to my death all the time, but I’d argue my odds are stacked towards the falling face first into the floor more often than not.

(Side note: You could have the chance of falling into the water from the riggings, this never happens for me, it’s pretty much stay on the riggings or kiss the ship; hard.)

The next part of being a pirate is obviously the booty, or treasure for those of you who aren’t into your pirate terminology. Yet again, I could probably have gained more treasure if it hadn’t been for my ill equipped ship, which for the most part was full of sugar, songs and rum. Every chance of finding treasure was met with some sort of navel battle, which I either escaped, survived by the skin of my teeth or died a horrible watery death in.

All in all, Assassins Creed Black Flag is a pretty neat game, but I think I’m much more of a land lover, even in video games. Also who knew being a pirate was so hard, at one time a giant wave crashed over my ship and killed four members of my crew. Now these guys are hardened sailors who  got killed by a wave, and I can only think that somehow this was my fault because I was more focused on watching the whales jumping majestically through the air, and less concentrated on manning the ship.

Final Note: Another failing of navel battles was when I started to win, and then forgot to watch where I was going and crashed straight into a cliff.


21 Nov

“You like me, don’t you?”

“Well yes, but I like everyone who shows me attention. I have low self esteem.”

“Wow. Thanks.”

“Not to say that you aren’t very pretty, but seriously, once some girl said ‘thanks’ to me and smiled. I spent the next two days marrying her inside my head. I imagined her name was Katherine.”


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